DSPs Using and Supporting Technology Use
Supporting People to Access Technology and Relationships: A Human Right
Karyn Harvey, author
There are many issues that plague people with intellectual and developmental disabilities (IDD), but perhaps the most devastating one doesn’t always meet the eye: loneliness. In May 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy declared loneliness one of our country's biggest public health problems. Loneliness affects physical health. People who are lonely have a 29% higher risk of heart disease, a 32% higher risk of stroke, and a 50% higher risk of developing dementia (2023).
Many people with IDD also experience loneliness, but there may be additional factors that contribute to loneliness. Many people with IDD experience differences in how they relate, or are allowed to relate, to others when compared to people without IDD. How many people with IDD do you know who are married or live with a significant other? How many have a close friend circle in which none of the friends are paid? How many are divorced and had the chance to fail? How many have had multiple intimate relationships? Imagine your life without the people you chose to be with who chose to be with you. Not co-workers, not staff, but friends and lovers. It would be an isolated life. When used in a person-centered way, technology can support people with IDD to make friends and develop relationships. Let’s dive deeper.
Accessing technology
Meeting people and finding relationships is not easy for anyone. Online dating now dominates the dating world. In 2023, the Pew Research Center reported that 3 in 10 U.S. adults have used a dating site at some point. Younger people are more likely to use dating sites, and half of people under 30 have used one.
A silver lining of the recent pandemic was that many people with IDD gained access to technology. Often, this was because virtual day program attendance was funded during the pandemic lockdown. During that public health emergency, it became clear that access to technology is a human right. Without it, people were isolated and, in some cases, restricted. With it, we connected with each other and maintained work and social relationships. Yet, people with IDD are still often lonely, excluded, and isolated. David Pitonyak (2024), a psychologist and expert in the field of IDD, has long asserted that loneliness is the most significant problem in the lives of people with IDD. Technology, including dating sites, can help but can also present problems when people don’t get the education and support they need. Support from people in the person’s life, like direct support professionals, can make all the difference. Let’s explore some common scenarios, frequent dilemmas, and possible solutions.
Ryan was cyber scammed
Ryan went on to a popular dating site, paying for a subscription with his debit card. Soon, he had a girlfriend, or so he thought. Molina was beautiful. They texted every day. She told Ryan that she loved him. He was filled with joy. Then she told him she wanted to come visit. He couldn’t have been happier. Unfortunately, she told him she lived very far away, but she was determined to come see him and consummate their love. He couldn’t believe his good fortune. Then she said she had no money and needed help getting her airplane ticket. Ryan immediately gave her his debit card information. Several days later, his bank account was wiped out, and Molina’s phone was out of service. In desperation, Ryan went back to her profile on the dating site. It was gone. Molina had vanished along with his money. The provider agency that Ryan received services from thought it best to block access to dating sites on Ryan’s smartphone. Time on a computer was now supervised. They expressed concerns that it just wasn’t safe for him to be online on his own.
Tara lacks opportunities to meet people
Tara Is a young woman with Williams Syndrome. She would like very much to date and have a boyfriend. She talks about it all the time. There is someone she likes at her community center, but he says his mom has told him he should stay single. He has a disability as well and seems to like her but is afraid of making his mother mad. She wishes his mother would change her mind. Tara lives with two other women with disabilities and does activities with the house DSPs. The other women are much older than she is and are not interested in meeting people or dating. Some days and many nights, Tara feels very, very lonely.
Heather learns from her DSP to use a dating website
Heather loves her life. She didn’t always feel that way. However, during the pandemic, her DSP helped her learn how to get online with her computer. Then Heather saved her money and got a smartphone. Her DSP, Seda, helped her to learn how to use it. One night, Heather opened up to Seda and shared with her how, more than anything, she really wanted a boyfriend. Seda got it. She felt for her. Seda really loved her boyfriend. She knew how Heather felt. They got online together and looked for a good dating app, possibly one for people with disabilities. Heather didn’t define herself by her disability, but it was an important part of her identity. Heather was on the Autism Spectrum and wanted someone who really understood her—a guy who wouldn’t judge her or run away because of her neurodiversity. They looked together. They found a dating website for people with autism. They also found a website for people with IDD called “Hello, It’s me.” Seda showed Heather how to use it. They used it together at first, and then Heather started to go on it on her own. Seda taught Heather to identify when someone might be trying to take advantage of her. She explained that she should not give money or her address. She taught her how to ask questions to see if the person was genuine. She taught her what it meant to be “catfished” or taken advantage of and fooled. Heather met someone through Hello, It's Me.” His name was Steven. He lived about an hour away, but Heather was able to set up a “safe” meeting with Seda’s help. After Heather and Steven had met a few times and Seda had also met him, Seda helped Heather learn to use transportation and get to the midway point at the mall, where they liked to meet on their own. Now Heather has a boyfriend she sees weekly. Life is good.
Justin’s wishes are disregarded
Justin wanted to be with a man. Not with a woman. His mother had set him up with her friend’s daughter, Nicole. They both had disabilities. But that was not enough. He didn’t want to be with her. It was not enough that his mother wanted him to be Nicole’s boyfriend. He knew he didn’t want to be with a woman. He knew who he was. His mother said it was against their religion. The DSP who works the most with him told him that Nicole was the perfect person for him and encouraged him to be with her. Justin feels so alone.
Solutions
Let’s look at each scenario from the vantage point of support. How can each person be truly supported in finding the most fulfilling life possible? Ryan was “catfished” when he went online. His money was stolen, and his heart was broken. The response of the provider agency was to shut down all internet dating and restrict Ryan’s online access. Does this solve the problem? Perhaps for the provider, but definitely not for Ryan. His loneliness has now intensified. He is even more isolated, albeit protected, than before. Isolating Ryan is neither important to him nor for him.
How about Tara? Tara wants very much to date and have a boyfriend. She likes someone at her day program whose mother does not want him dating. Tara also wants a social life but only does activities with her housemates. The other women she lives with have no interest in dating. Rather than focusing on activities that everyone in the house does together, a person-centered approach would focus on each person's preferences. Tara could access a specialized dating app with some assistance in using technology. She could go places to meet younger people. She could also live with younger people who have similar interests. Many things could be done for Tara to enrich her life. Someone from her agency might even reach out and get to know the parent of the person she likes at her day program. They could begin a dialogue about facilitating safe dating. Tara’s desire for a relationship should be taken seriously by those supporting her. She can be supported in dating and seeing people when those desires are respected and valued.
Heather might be the most fortunate of these people. Seda, the DSP supporting her, gets it. She helped Heather explore online dating options, learn basic online dating skills, and identify dangerous behaviors. In other words, Seda educated and coached Heather through the process. Seda has provided much-needed support to help Heather meet people.
Finally, Justin really needs support. He knows who he is and what he wants. Yet both his mother and the DSP closest to him push him towards this young woman. Justin doesn’t want to date her, but he has no idea how to say that. Listening is one of the most important ways to support people. Often, people with IDD are not heard. They may not have anyone they trust to talk to. Or they may feel afraid to express their true feelings. All humans need someone who will listen and support them. Justin needs someone to validate his feelings and support him. Yet he feels so alone.
Conclusion
Each scenario highlights how people need and want support to negotiate relationships and find significant others in these challenging times. Technology and access to technology are significant in creating and maintaining connections with others. People can use technology to support unpaid relationships. Sites with educational pieces, including stories and information, can help, such as those provided by Hello, It's Me . Sites with a target audience can be a comfortable place for many, such as Uneepi and Hiki , both of which are designed for people who identify as neurodivergent.
People have the right to try, and people also have the right to fail. The dignity of risk includes the ability to try and succeed or try and fail is a human right. DSPs can be a major support for people to learn and try.
People have the right to try, and people also have the right to fail. The dignity of risk includes the ability to try and succeed or try and fail is a human right. DSPs can be a major support for people to learn and try. With support and education, online opportunities can be accessible and enjoyable to people with IDD trying to negotiate their way out of loneliness and into the bright world of love, romance, and real relationships. That itself is a human right.
References
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023, May 3). New Surgeon General Advisory raises alarm about the devastating impact of the epidemic of loneliness and isolation in the United States [Press release].
Vogels, E. A., & McClain, C. (2023, February 2). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center.
Pitonyak, D. (2024). Imagine .
Resources
Often people need assistance initially negotiating their way into the apps and understanding how each one works. Assistance from the DSP is invaluable in this arena and might just open up a whole new world for the people they are supporting, as online dating has done for so many.