Feature Issue on Loneliness and People with Intellectual, Developmental, and Other Disabilities

We know one way to reduce loneliness is to make and keep friends, but this isn’t always easy. There are skills we need to make and keep friends, but the first step is to work on ourselves and make sure we believe people would be lucky to have us as a friend.

Thinking about Yourself as a Person and a Friend

Before we can make and keep friends, we need to see ourselves as someone people would like to have as a friend. We need to build our confidence. Think about these questions to decide what you are good at and what you want to get better at so you can build your confidence. On a sheet of paper or in a journal, write down your answers and why you chose the answer you did.

• Do you like yourself?
• Do you feel proud of who you are and the things you’ve done?
• Do you see yourself as someone people like to be around?
• Do you see yourself as friendly and kind?
• Do you see yourself as someone people trust, and who will do what you say you are going to do?
• Do you listen to others when they are talking and make sure you each get a chance to talk about things?
• Do you see yourself as a good friend?
• Thinking about your answers above, what can you do to become a better friend?

Here are some thoughts from other people about what they can do to become a better friend:

• “Tell myself I am a good friend.”
• “Listen to people when they are talking.”
• “I can think about things I am proud of to share with others and ask them what they are proud of.”
• “I can make sure I pick people who are kind and I trust to be my friend.”
• “Know that having a disability does not make me a bad friend.”

Once we feel good about who we are and that we are or can be a great friend, we can start to work on our friendship skills.

Making Friends

Step 1: Think of Possible People Who Can Become Friends

Sometimes, when we feel lonely, we want to make friends quickly. Making friends takes time, so you’ll have to be patient. Think about people you like to be around. Maybe you know them from a group activity like a sports team, or they are your co-worker at a place you have worked for a year, or you just started taking a cooking class, and you noticed someone in the corner who seems nice.

Step 2: Get to Know Them Better

We need to find ways to get to know this person better and let them know you like them.

Here are some ways to do that:

• Ask for their number to see if you can call them or text them.
• Ask if they want to do something outside of the place that you know them.

Step 3: Become Friends

This can be done by saying, “Do you want to be friends?” or sometimes it just happens. You reach out to them to do something. They reach out to you to see how your day went. You go back and forth and connect. Each person helps sort out how often you’ll get together and text each other. Some people want to text one another every day, others would rather not. Sometimes, those parts of your friendship have to be worked out.

If you reach out to your friend, let’s say you text them, wait for them to respond before you reach out again. If a day goes by, you can reach out again, but after that, you need to stop until they reach out to you. There is a word called “ghosting,” which is when you reach out, and the person doesn’t respond. It can hurt when someone ghosts you, but the important thing is to remember, not every person fits with every person. It may just not be a good fit, and there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes a friendship doesn’t work, and that is okay. Make sure you use positive self-talk to build your confidence back up.

Keeping Friends

Is this relationship good for me? And them?

Now that you have made a friend, how do you keep the friendship going? First, we want to be sure our friendship is healthy. Is this friendship good for you? And them? And do I want this friendship to continue?

Here are some questions to think about to help you make this decision:

Does this friendship feel equal and fair?

This means you talk about your day, and then you ask, “How was your day?” and listen to them. The time talking and listening is equal. Or if you pick the movie to watch one night, they get to pick the movie the next time. You take turns.

Is there respect in this friendship?

Do you and your friend respect each other’s wishes or boundaries? When you say you’re tired and want to go home, do they say, “Okay, I hope you get some sleep,” or do they try to make you feel bad for leaving by saying, “I can’t believe you’re leaving; you just got here. How can you be so selfish?”

Are you honest with each other?

If you are with a different friend, do you tell your friend about your time together or pretend you have no other friends because you don’t want to hurt this friend? Do you and your friend tell each other when something bothers you or hurts you?

Do you communicate and listen to one another?

This means, if something is bothering you, talk about it kindly. You or your friend don’t yell and scream or hit one another. If your friend brings up something that is bothering them, you listen and maybe even apologize if it is something you did. Or even if you are sharing something important or special, do you and your friend listen to each other?

Do you feel safe in this friendship?

Do you and your friend treat each other well and support each other, or do you feel uncomfortable and scared around this person?

If you have all of these pieces in your friendship then it is worth keeping it. If you don’t, you can communicate about it or you can decide this friendship isn’t for you. Sometimes, when we are lonely, we may put up with unhealthy relationships because we don’t want to be without friends. There are lots of people to have friendships with, and you deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. If you aren’t sure, talking with someone you trust and who cares about you might help you sort this out.

Keep Being a Great Friend

Think about ways to make your friendship grow and become stronger. Here are ways to help your relationship grow and become stronger:

Share the good and bad times. When one of you is happy, be happy with them. When one of you is sad, be sad with them.

Be there for each other when one of you is having a hard time or needs some help. If you or your friend needs help picking out new shoes, go with them to help them.

Listen to and respect each other’s boundaries. If one of you would like fewer text messages, respect that request and text less.

When you or your friend does something exciting or brave, tell them you are proud of them or throw a party to celebrate them.

What do you and your friend do to make your friendship grow and become stronger?

You can also use these steps in romantic and/or sexual relationships. You can think of yourself as a partner, think about how to find partners, and grow to have a deeper connection with a partner.

Work on Your Friendships.

Sometimes, we think that friendships should be easy and don’t need attention, but ALL relationships need attention. If a certain friendship is important to you, find ways to show how important it is to you. Tell them how important they are to you, send them a card in the mail, or text a fun message about how much you appreciate them.

Think about ways to keep your friendship going strong.

Final Thoughts

Remember that you can be a great friend and have positive friendships, but it takes time and attention to make our relationships happy and healthy. Don’t give up if things don’t go exactly how you hoped they would. We learn from our relationships, and even if we get hurt, we learn and grow as humans. You deserve healthy, happy friendships and people will feel lucky to have you as their friend.