Feature Issue on Loneliness and People with Intellectual, Developmental, and Other Disabilities

I have lived most of my life with my family, and after my parents’ death in the ‘90s, I didn’t feel so secure. When you have your family, you have your home and you don’t have to worry about your food. I know now what they went through, keeping up with the house and paying bills.

I am deeply into fantasy and horror movies and novels. I am very interested in astronomy. With my hobbies, I felt something was missing. I started to want to get more involved with women, such as dating. That something, I think was the desire for attachment to another. I had some friends, and I knew some people from a church that I worked with previously when I was a janitor. But no one I was really close to.

Because of my interests in fantasy and horror, some people may think I am sinister or dishonest. Many people are really interested in sports, and I am not, so I thought that some people may judge people who like fantasy and horror as being people who are too much in a world of their own and they might be afraid of people like that. People like me. I am not what you would call “pretty.” I’m not very athletic, or good looking. My interests are to get involved in other people’s lives. I am interested in getting to know people, what they like, dislike, what they are thinking.

Jeff Strauser (right) walks with his coach, Zie Hoagland.

I felt fear and anxiety getting to know people, thinking they wouldn’t like me. I didn’t think I would fit to well with others because of my interests. This made me lonely. I wanted to belong and be a part of a gang, a part a group.

I learned about the Spiritual Engagement Coach program from Sarah McKenney. First, I met with my coach to tell them about my interests. He connected me with a theology group that was led by an Indiana University student ministry. I really enjoyed it! The priest was very understanding of my interests. It felt welcoming. This group is an open group to talk about thoughts and beliefs without judgment.

Then I got connected with a church called Trinity Episcopal. I have been to several churches, but Trinity is a place where people are smiling, welcoming. At this church, I was able to have communion. There weren’t strict rules that made me feel excluded. I made friends with two members of the church who started taking me to church each week. They are very friendly and considerate people. They could have said, “No, I don’t have time,” but they didn’t. They decided to trust me. Trust seems small, but it’s a big deal to me. This is how they made me feel like I belong.

Even with this experience of belonging I still felt something was missing. I still didn’t have friends who liked the same thing and this made feel separate from others. My coach suggested starting a horror book club to meet people in the community who liked the same things. However, this didn’t really quite fit or work out the way we thought.

I had always had a fascination with the game Dungeons and Dragons. My coach told me about RPG, a role-playing-game at the library. I was afraid at first. I thought I was a nerd, but I noticed that there were all different people of different body shapes, ages, and styles. Everyone was having fun and playing a game. I decided it was okay to be a nerd. It felt refreshing to not have people label me. I said I like the color pink, I like fairies and fairy statues. I feel proud now that I like these things. You’ve got to enjoy the things you enjoy. You have to enjoy it in this life while you have it.

Dungeons and Dragons, fantasy, and horror all contemplate the unknown. I think of that as a part of my spirituality. I used to think you couldn’t like fantasy or horror because my beliefs would think it was dark and evil. However, I have learned that dark can be beautiful. It’s good to have both dark and light. I don’t think you would appreciate the light without the dark. I have been able to combine my religious beliefs with my other interests of horror and fantasy. I know that good will always triumph over evil.

This experience has taught me that there are different forms of loneliness, such as not having friends and not having a girlfriend. I have friends now, so now I am looking for a partner. I definitely feel like I belong now more than I ever did before. I am more confident than ever that I will find a girlfriend, because now I see that other people have similar interests, so it is possible to find a woman who shares those interests as well.