Feature Issue on Addiction and IDD

Hi Readers,

I have a confession: I am what people call a competition junkie. I compete to succeed and want to do well in whatever I am challenged to do, whether it is my career as a researcher/artist/self-advocate, wrestling someone on the mat, or winning at MarioKart and Uno.

T.J. Gordon plays a video game in virtual reality.

Competition is like romance. I feel euphoric and happy when presented with a challenge. It feels like floating in paradise after kissing the date you pursued for months. I get amped to the point where even something like hardcore music played during events would send chills and sparks all over my body. It is like I am Goku from the anime Dragon Ball Z, gathering all the energy necessary to transform into a Super Saiyan. When I get into my competitive zone, I go to great lengths to prepare, whether practicing for a competition, studying what I am getting myself into, getting the things I need to compete, or watching other people compete so I can learn from them. This explains why I am good at playing sports and gaming, especially when I participated in sports throughout my childhood.

I don’t mind making money or winning prizes for succeeding in competition. I still love to compete, even when I’m only playing for pride and fun. I connect my passion for competition to my will to do my absolute best at anything I set my mind to. Perhaps if I had lived in ancient times, I would have been a spectator hungry for blood and gore at gladiator events, because I get charged up when I see fights break out at hockey games, hard-fought sports games, and epic pro wrestling matches.

There were three times in my life when competition almost led me to develop dangerous addictions, however. During college, I used to consume a lot of booze on the weekends. Granted, most of the consumption happens when I play games that involve drinking. I looked forward to trying my best not to get hammered by playing well. Sometimes, it worked; other times, it didn’t. But the thrill was fun. Another way I took it too far was by competing to show how much liquor I could hold without getting too drunk. At my peak years in college, I used to down seven to nine beers like they were water. I am still blessed to have a healthy liver, to be honest. What scared me into stopping my descent into this destructive pattern was being told by my family that alcoholism is rampant among us. I have one relative who was on dialysis because of their booze intake, and from my recollection, another relative died of a combination of drugs and alcohol. I still enjoy my beer, but it’s been reduced to one to two cans or cups once in a blue moon. I no longer enjoy proving that I can drink people under the table.

In another example of my overeagerness to compete, I was addicted to fantasy football in my last two years of undergraduate school. I would spend hours building my rosters, watching or following the games, and reading updates about my players. While my pursuit of competition in fantasy sports didn’t cost me any money, it did cost me time I would have spent on studying or focusing on other productive activities. What saved me from fully diving into gambling on football games or spending money on fantasy football was that I couldn’t afford to lose money then.

Then years later, I discovered mobile games like Candy Crush, Monopoly GO!, Pokémon GO, Wordscapes, and Whiteout Survival. Those games are fun to play. I have walked more often and kept myself in shape thanks to my Pokémon GO hunting excursions. I like to sharpen my brain by playing puzzle-based games like Candy Crush and Wordscapes. But every once and a while, when I’m depressed, I would sometimes overspend on add-ons to those games, to the point where I could have been close to being broke if I didn’t stop in time. I sometimes overspend to stay competitive in the games, which means I feel good. My solution is to only pay for add-ons under $5 or play without them. If I could survive playing video games before add-ons existed or only with Game Genie or Cheat Code Central, I could survive playing video games with fewer add-ons.

I do not recommend that people stop being competitive. I encourage you to keep on playing, working, and doing whatever you do. Competition can make you happy because you enjoy going through the adventures of trying to do well. You like the trash-talking and confidence-boosters, like I do. You enjoy working hard and have fun doing it, not giving up easily. That is perfectly fine! But remember, it is also okay not to go all in. You can lose everything, including your life, money, or people you love.

I hope you will learn from my story and harness that competitive spirit into something positive and productive.