Feature Issue on Addiction and IDD

Alfred Hodges started coming to the Milieu Center for addiction treatment in 2016 after serving time in a correctional facility after a burglary conviction. Recently, he spoke with Lori Ann Eldridge, one of the founders of the Milieu Center, about his experiences with addiction. The following is an edited transcript of that conversation.

Author Alfred Hodges.

Lori Ann Eldridge: It’s been a while since we’ve spoken, Alfred. Can you remind me a little about your background and where you grew up?

Alfred Hodges: We moved to California when I was 13. Today, I’m 62 and I still live here, and I have my sister Norma and other siblings in California and others in Texas and Illinois. It’s a big family, 10 of us. For a while we lived in the Bay Area. That’s where I started continuation school in the eighth or ninth grade. I wasn’t functioning on a normal level. I had a lot of mental illness but back then, when I was growing up, we didn’t talk about it. So, I had a long struggle and did all kinds of drugs. I’m not scared to admit it. I joined a gang when I was 15, and the drugs started after that. I wanted the women and the drugs and the life, with my so-called homeboys.

Author Lori Ann Eldridge.

Lori: Right, that desire for connection, any connection, is something we see over and over. So often, substance use starts with wanting to connect with people. It’s why you joined the gang, and why you started using drugs, and so on. And so, you ended up in continuation school, which was for students who are failing classes or who had been truant or in other trouble with the law. And years later when we met, you were coming out of a prison medical facility for people with physical or mental illnesses.

Alfred: I actually went to prison twice. I spent 6 years at San Quentin and got out and started doing the same stuff that got me in before. But the second time they sent me to a place where they don’t just give you medication and that’s it, you’re left alone. In those places you don’t get better, you get worse. I went to a place where there are groups where you can talk so you don’t feel so bad. I had been in prison for burglary. I didn’t need anything that I stole, but PCP and crack – those drugs make you do stupid stuff that leads you to prison.

Lori: What about your intellectual disability? Did anyone talk to you about that?

Alfred: Yeah. I had a good doctor, a real nice man who listens and doesn’t judge you. Now that I’ve been at Milieu Center, that has helped me tremendously. They give you a good boost. It’s someplace you want to be if you want to try to get it together. The way the program is set up, they don’t force you. You come as you are. Everybody here is different, but nobody’s better than the next. We’ve all got different problems. And the staff treats you good. I’ve been coming here about 8 years, since I got out of prison.

Lori: I know your wonderful sister Norma helped you a lot, and a doctor in prison did some testing to determine you have an intellectual disability. We engage with family members, medical people, everyone, so we can be in touch with all these people on a regular basis. So, staff members were able to pull school records and show that you qualify for services through the Regional Center. At that point, a lot of doors opened up for programs and housing and you were able to come to the Milieu Center. I know Norma and your mom were concerned that you get the right kind of services, they just didn’t know where to start. Once you were able to get those supports instead of just releasing you into the community with nothing, the second time out went much better.

Alfred: Yes. The first time I just went to a halfway house. Here, you can let things out in group therapy and nobody’s going to judge you.

Lori: When we talked before about stigma, one of the things you shared with me in that interview that I thought was insightful was that you were scared to talk about your ID and your substance use disorder. You said you were carrying around a lot of pain. Why did you feel it was safe there?

Alfred: Because this works. You can let loose. I can talk about my depression. Street life is too dangerous to talk about that.

Lori: And it’s not just talking about your feelings. It’s also learning how to go to the store, shop, engage in leisure and build back relationships with family, maybe a girlfriend, or other connections. Do you still use hard drugs?

Alfred: No. I smoked weed and would drink beer until a few months ago, but I had to stop because of some medications I’m taking. I haven’t done hard drugs since before I went to prison.

Lori: What has been the most helpful support in dealing with your substance use disorder?

Alfred: The best support is being here at Milieu and having people like my sister to back me up. I’m not alone. It can be devastating when you’re alone in prison. If you’ve got a sister or brother or mother, you feel alive. If you’re alone, you have a dark cloud over your head and it’s scary. So many times, I felt I deserved to die.

Lori: So, you’d tell people to find people who will listen. What is your joy today?

Alfred: I’m a humble person and I believe in Jesus. I also do a lot to stay active, like riding a beach cruiser on the bike trails. I have a girlfriend and try not to be isolated, but I stay away from people I used to know because if I go back to prison, I’m pretty much finished.

I also have six kids and seven grandkids. My daughter and I recently reconnected. She told me I can call anytime and talk. That meant a lot because you don’t know what they think about you, being gone for so long.

When it comes down to it, you’ve just got to be true to yourself, and to care enough.